Whether or not to forgive a narcissist is one of the most common dilemmas faced by individuals who have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Dr. Ramani Durvasula talks about forgiveness and narcissism and explains why a survivor of narcissistic abuse does not have to forgive the narcissist.
Dr. Ramani is an American clinical psychologist, retired professor of psychology, media expert, and author. She is known for her expertise on narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse and has been featured on Red Table Talk, Bravo, the Lifetime Movie Network, National Geographic, and the History Channel, as well as programs such as the TODAY show and Good Morning America.
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“How do we forgive someone who’s hurt us so badly as a narcissist? Maybe we don’t.”
If someone wrongs you, it is common for people to ask you to forgive them as part of healing. Most people will make you believe that it is impossible to find healing without forgiveness. While forgiveness may be possible in some situations, forgiving a narcissist for the harm and hurt they willingly inflicted on you is difficult for most people. This is especially because these individuals show no remorse for their wrongdoing.
“The pressure to forgive has made some people feel guilty their whole lives.” In this video, Dr. Ramani makes it clear that one does not need to forgive to move on from narcissistic abuse, especially if it is premature forgiveness.
“There’s a really interesting body of literature out there that suggests that if we forgive someone who re-perpetrates, it significantly harms the forgiver’s well-being.”
Survivors of narcissistic abuse are often blamed or projected upon. Forcing them to forgive their abuser deeply wounds and even re-traumatizes the survivor. Therefore, the need to forgive should not be forced on survivors of narcissistic abuse. Instead, they should be allowed to heal and handle their relationship with the abuser in whichever way they feel best serves them.
It is ok to go through life without ever forgiving your abuser. This is especially important where the abuser shows no desire to hold themselves accountable, apologize, or change their ways.
“I will always tell everyone I work with that this is a personal decision. It is not right to forgive, and it is not right not to forgive. It is not wrong to forgive, and it is not wrong not to forgive. You have to do what makes you whole.”
If you are a man interested in learning more about narcissism and narcissistic abuse, Mensgroup.com is a safe platform where you can get a wealth of resources on the topic. It is also a supportive community of men where you can find the support you need as you navigate everyday life.
